About you know who 2

I probably have written with that topic more than twice, but hey who cares. Last night I came to the conclusion that my mojo (or lack of) was caused by my mothers visit. Well that's not quite the truth, as I already figured that out earlier. What I mean is that she was all normal, while I was expecting her to be "normal" ("normal" means her usual self and not normal like rest of the world normal). She was all nice and talked about her plans. She also gave me money for picking her and my aunt up from the airport and driving her back there. I was happy to take the money as gas is freakishly expensive. Especially when your car takes about 9 liters per 100 km. I also sold her my luggage (which I had only used twice so it was almost brand new). Now here we come to the root of all evil.

Because she gave me money I was all nice and... and... well with the lack of a better word a small child who feels that her parent really does like her. Which is not normal! In our case I have been the "mother" for longer than I care to remember. Well not over the last few years as we haven't been in contact for... I don't know for how long. So anyway, last night I noticed that I had felt bad for thinking so harshly of my own mother for so long. That she is a good person who tries to do her best with the cards she has been given. I also had some other really nice things to say about her, which I am not going to write here...

So anyway I was all feeling bad and tried to fall asleep. I thought of writing a blog about how I felt and why, how wrong have I been (or have I). Then I dreamed of all the times she had hit me or my sister and how we didn't always know why. Or how she would rather let me and my sister live by ourselves in a town where we hated to be, than let us live with our dad (luckily she had brains enough to let us move out)(well it was her idea...)(really it was. I was just repeating "three more years" in my head when I heard the good news)(well when I heard the good news it was "four more years"). Also few other things went past my mind which I am not going to write here...

So I thought screw my inept feelings! I have no need to feel bad for taking money from my mother and have bad thoughts of her. When ever I turn to normal happy (functional) social human being, then I can forgive her. But until that happens I don't need or have to.

/end rant

Now if you are thinking that am I okay: yes I am. I just use this blog to rant about things and then I forget them. If I am feeling down I listen to music or watch whose line on YouTube. If those don't help, then my subconscious will take care of it when I am asleep.